A study shows that 40 percent of all women suffer from exhaustion. “The word no hardly appears in their vocabulary,” regrets Katharina Pommer. The family and attachment therapist explains which sentences trigger women and which statements they often use to put themselves under pressure.
Many women automatically felt responsible for everything and had learned through upbringing or in their relationships to meet expectations for fear of being rejected otherwise. A “yes” means belonging to the group; it is a basic need like eating and drinking, says Pommer. It primarily offers security, love and connection.
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The more unstable the relationship, the harder it is to say “no”.
Especially in insecure, unstable relationships or in partnerships with traditional role models, women – regardless of age – find it difficult to say no. In her book “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” the author advocates setting boundaries, standing up to manipulators and “your own inner critic.”
The author exposes the most common (self-)statements that women make in everyday life between work and family and explains what lies behind them. Many people will probably recognize themselves in some of the sentences.
“You’re so good at this – will you please do this for me?”
A sentence that can come from the boss as well as from the partner or the children. It’s a subtle manipulation disguised as a compliment, says the therapist and advises, depending on the context, to respond either humorously (“Thanks for the compliment, but unfortunately my schedule says no and I’ll listen to him”). Or seriously explain to the other person that such a sentence triggers feelings of guilt and that the topic is neither at the top of the priority list nor does it fit into the schedule.
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“Before I explain it to him at length, I’d rather do it myself.”
Women score a classic own goal with a sentence like that. Children and partners feel devalued and the work remains on you.
But why is that? Katharina Pommer says: “Behind this there is a strong need to want to control everything. You should question that.” Where does that come from? Often due to insecurity about handing over tasks. It is often said: “If I do everything myself, I will be needed!” Sometimes it is also a mistrust of others.
Or it’s quicker than explaining it to the other person. She says that psychologically it’s all about saving short-term time. “In the long term, operating instructions and coaching really provide relief.” Especially with older family members, it is important to make them feel needed.
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“If I don’t do it, no one will.”
Psychologists call this “martyr syndrome” or “over-responsibility.” That’s what Katharina Pommer says. When you care for others, you feel recognized. It can also be a cry for help: “Don’t you notice that I don’t have enough support?” These people are at risk of burnout. The family has to take countermeasures in good time. “It’s great what you’re doing, but please let me know if you need help.”
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“If you really loved me, you would do this for me.”
When partners or family members become so aggressive and manipulative, it is unbearable for the therapist. This is how you realize that things are not going well in the relationship. “Using love as a means of pressure is wrong.” Love means accepting the needs of others. You should say that directly, advises the expert. And she also says: “If someone doesn’t stop emotionally blackmailing you, you should consider whether you want to continue doing that to yourself.”
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Pommer says it’s hard in the beginning to set boundaries and do something good for yourself. That’s why she advises yes-sayers to start with small steps. For example, not automatically answering “yes” at the hairdresser if the temperature of the water is not pleasant. As a mother of young children, she advises: “Close the toilet door.”
The original for this post “: You’re so good at it” Psychologist explains the four sentences that trigger women comes from Express.
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